Told in Church

This stuff related to folks in church is classic.  If you have any funny anecdotes of your own, send them to us.

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
 

A priest, a minister, and a guru sat at a table discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin. I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is my rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I'm a Baptist, and this is a casserole dish."

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said.  "The pastor is often really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked warily.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing.  You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia baked ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"  The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin and said, "At your wedding."

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me; and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. One, you're 59 years old; and two, you're the pastor!"

Told by a beekeeper:
 

I recently did a Bee Removal from the roof soffit of a Mormon church.  Anyhow, as I cut out the comb etc. the remaining bees gorged themselves - which they sometimes do - and got themselves "drunk" on the honey.  I told the church maintenance crew, who were on the scene that day, the above story.  I then related that these bees would really boost their membership numbers but I wouldn't suggest including them, as they were a bunch of drunks and wouldn't make good Mormons.
 

Three Churches in a local town were infested with SQUIRRELS.  All three held Discussion and Prayer Groups on the subject of the squirrels. Much Wood Smoke came pouring out of their respective ears.  All three decided that squirrels were The Lord's Creatures just as you and I. Thus the squirrels should be treated with respect.
 

Church #1 decided to simply leave them alone.
Church #2 decided to trap them, humanely, then release them some fifteen or twenty miles from the Church, which was done. Of course, within a few days their squirrels returned.
Church #3 had a genuine solution. Having a membership drive going on, they baptized and made church members of their squirrels. Now they see them only twice a year, at Christmas and Easter.
 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why He wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." 

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem. They give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song. They give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."